infinity on high - rens

2010-03-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

Eventually you stop feeling sorry for yourself and just appreciate what's around you. what you have, like best friends who send you friendship bracelets in colours of the rainbow to make your day, or being able to apologize to each other and move on. amazing music, people who love you even though sometimes you can't feel it because you're 7 hours away. friends who've just moved over, friends whom you haven't spoken to in ages but you know its okay, because your friendship is covenental. Jesus because you know He holds the future.

***

I AM ABSOLUTELY BUSHED. One week of school and I'm so exhausted.. from work, from thinking about having to mug this hard for the next 6-7 months. tuition later at six-thirty, then relaxxxxxxxxxx. listen to music. do homework if I feel like it. I have a feeling that over the next 6-7 months I will burnout at least two times, and then realise that it's not that bad, then relax a bit. after that I will start panicking about not being able to do well and then burnout again.

So, I have decided to prevent this. do tawg every night. be accountable to Jo, and other people if they'd like. worship. do my moleskine to keep me sane. sleep in on weekends. joshua 1:9. very scared. but my God is bigger. yes. sick. awesome.

I need one more picture to finish off my roll of film in my lomolitos. contemplating buying another 3 rolls on the website.. but I really really want to finish my roll off so i can see the pictures I took over the holidays etc. and also need to develop a lot of photos...

oh my myyyyy i need to stone for a bit.

2010-03-05T22:13:00.000-08:00

I feel like a sore thumb. like someone who isn't needed, at all, like I need you guys a lot more than you need me because I'm sad and socially deficient and either too loud, too shy, too weird.. I know its not your fault/ you don't mean it but I feel ____ ___. I also feel horrible saying this.

But it's only a feeling, and if I push it farrrr away it can't hurt me so that's what I'm gonna do - push it faar far away and never let it come close again. I feel like I used to have so much to hold onto. And now it feels like there's nothing. Right now I hate this season.

I wish someone would just sweep me off my feet and take me far away from all this shit.

On a muchh happier note, i watched this a few days ago with Joles and it wasn't as sad as I expected it to be! Buttt the soundtrack is soo pretty; imma get it soon (=

2010-01-31T19:35:00.000-08:00

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs.

How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

- GiGi, He's Just Not That Into You

2010-01-15T14:42:00.000-08:00

Congrats to KELLY, CHERYL and MARCOOO for amazing O level results! I knew you lovelies could do it (= you guys deserve it!

anyway, this week has been rather delightful:
let's see, on monday, I wake up to find Benn's card in my mailbox congratulating me for my N level results! I miss him so so so much and I wish I could fly to Melbourne right now to see him ):
So that made my Monday morning (don't ask why I check mail in the morning, i just do)
Went to school and was totally psyched to learn that Miss Lim would be our form + Math teacher again!
We started screaming like mad girlies when she walked in and we spent her whole period talking about our hols, Ns, etc.

anyway, shortly after school I went for a really satisfying run (on the treadmill, because 'going for a run' is very misleading in my family. its the same thing to me, really) and then jumped into the pool and it was perfect weather and it was so nice for lack of a better word.

on tuesday, I had to go to work after school but it wasn't too bad which is a rare occasion. I guess work hasn't been too bad this year: all the crappy managers who somehow seem to have some beef with me have moved on, so yay. came home and watched (500) Days of Summer which is so so so lovely. I love it and its soundtrack is so indie and original and bouncy.

school was fun as usual on wed and thurs with my all-time-fav class of '10! It's so strange to hear me say that sch is fun, i guess it's becos we're all still in the holiday mood. we went out to eat roti prataaaaa and hung out at Jole's place a lot; it's like our second home now!
we even know our way around her kitchen!! like where her utensils/pots and pans are and how to use her weird looking microwave!! HAHAHAHA
We watched Mean Girls, which is damnnnn old but i swear, i can never NOT like it becos it's so classic! I love Rachel McAdams, she's so prettyyyyy (=

so that sums up my week. My life's awesome possum so far, but i know it's gonna turn into hell quickly once the stress on Os begins. but more on that when the time comes (=

2009-12-25T22:04:00.000-08:00

Falling in and out of love,
Ashamed and proud of
We're growing apart,
But we pull it together again.

10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT CHIRSTMAS

1: It's the day of Jesus' birth!
2: An awesome chance to spend quality time with everyone I love.
3: The beautiful lights and decorations.
4: The general atmosphere of giving and celebration!
5: PARTIES + DRINKS!
6: The giving and receiving of presents.
7: THE AWESOME FOOD!
8: Watching Christmas Movies + Listening to christmas stories!
9: The generally cooler weather (:
10: Mistletoes? (:

2009-12-13T01:59:00.000-08:00

LAST NIGHT WAS A BLAST - ALMOST LIKE A DREAM.

Carine, Xiu wen and Jolezx were the awesome possum girlies I went to the Sundown Festival with, and boy were they great company!! I swear, I wonder who'd win in a screaming competition, Jole or me?? BECAUSE WE DEAFENED EACH OTHER.
My mood soared when BBoys came on, and it reached an all time high when the Emcees came on stage and said :

"Well for the next band...lemme just ask you all a question. Do you guys watch korean dramas?"

EVERYONE SCREAMED SO. LOUDLY. But mine was the highest of all because, as we all knew, T Max was gonna perform! I swear my heart was up my throat.
I SCREAMED SOOO LOUDLY AT THE THOUGHT OF FINALLY MEETING KJ!!!!
and GUESS WHAT? KIM JOON STAYED MOSTLY AT THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE STAGE, WHICH WAS WHERE I WAS!!

omygosh...I kept screaming and waving with my friends and it was such fun!
I can't believe i've finally met him, one of my favourite Korean celebs of all time! He looked just like in my saved pictures of him, omygosh! And Joles, the sweetheart, kept snapping away at him just for me! Since I annoyingly don't own a camera. But wow! Such a heart-stopping performance. You wouldn't believe how amazing the whole night was, especially with FTI and BEG!! Man, I love them both, and the BEGs are hotter in reality!!!

Joles + Me in the toilet 3 hours before the concert!! xD

Wow, what a rush. I'm still light-headed and woozy from the night's madness. I keep wondering if I'll wake up tmr thinking "man, that was a good dream" HAHA BUT IT WAS SO REAL. I saw celebs that I only see on Musicbank and allkpop! Oh man, what a night!

I'll post up pictures soon! Love love [:

I love swings

2009-11-18T09:34:00.000-08:00

It's the adrenaline; being slighty lifted off the swing seat, the feeling of almost flying away, feel the breeze rushing through hair let loose, gravity free-falling back to the ground, to swing back upwards again, the peacefulness in solitary, cloudy skies and howling winds, escaping thoughts..

Jan, Sar and Carine, who all happen to be the only ones I call on a regular basis, just so happened to go on a trip at around the same time.
Sarawak, Genting and Japan respectively. It was weird not having anyone to call and ask about their day for a few days...but I survived xD
Jan paid me a visit today, glad to have someone inject some life into me.

Oh, and we came across this quote online:

"God does not just have a purpose for your life, He is the purpose of your life."

Does she love you?

2009-11-11T17:47:00.000-08:00

"If she loves you, if she really loves you, you’ll know it. If you can wake up to her staring at you and it’s not even mildly creepy, if you catch her smelling the shoulder of the hooded sweatshirt you lent her for an autumn walk at the beach, and not for B.O., if she makes you a pancake in the shape of a shark, if she calls you drunkenly at four in the morning "to talk", if she laughs at your jokes when they’re funny and makes fun of you when they’re not, if she keeps her fridge stocked with Guinness tallboys for when you come over, if she tells you how she wishes she were closer to her sister and that her dad makes her sad: She loves you, of course she loves you."

- via www.catastrophe23.tumblr.com

2009-10-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

Can't wait to find someone as weird as me (;

Anyway, man life has been G.O.O.D! I love how I don't need to torturously force myself to sit at my study table and mug; how I don't need to remember anything about Bio or Chem or Geog or any content-heavy subjects.
AND!!! I RECEIVED A WONDERFUL PIECE OF NEWS THE OTHER DAY.

.
.
.
.
.
.
T MAX IS COMING TO SINGAPOREEEEE!! *endless stream of squeals*
Not that I like a lot of their songs, but...KIM JOON IS IN IT! My heart seriously fluttered when I realised that I was finally gonna see him! Yayyyy ;D I couldn't stop giggling to myself for the whole day! hehehe.

Okay, squealing and swooning aside. I gotta go get ready to meet Carine later! She's gonna shop at Ion with me, like i've been begging her to since 959897 years ago XD
Bye!

2009-10-19T06:09:00.000-07:00

This shall officially be my life's motto! xD Alright, so...YAY Ns ARE FINALLY OVER!! :D
Yeah i know, a weeee bit late but hey, i've been a busy busy girl! To start off with, my totally awesome class and i literally threw our entry proofs in the air when we all gathered in class! It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and we hugged and laughed like we had graduated from a university or smth! LOL.

So headed out to Town with the usuals. Sar was soo excited and decided to do up everyone's hair for the outing! So we all looked all cute and girly as we walked along the roads of Orchard. Turns out that Jan was at Orchard on that day too! Man, wished i could see her there.

But no matter! We watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and though it does look stupid, it's really quite funny and lovable! We wanted to be arses and, because it was 3D, wanted to run around the whole theatre trying to catch the "falling food". Believe me when i say that we were veryyyy close to doing it!! HAHAHA.

So sar, Diane, Carine, Xue Er, Vee and I shopped around like mad and bought so. much. stuff!
They were all so heavy that we begged Diane to ask her Dad if he could fetch us home, which he galantly did! So sweet. It amazes me how much people pacify a couple of girly brats. LOL XD

Hung out and stoned for a couple of days. Finally hung out with Jan and Kels at Marina Sq today, somewhere i've never been before! It's really pretty cool, they have a bowling alley and a hugggeee room for pool! We played pool for a while but I tragically suck at it!! All in all, AN AWESOME DAY.

I love having holidays for racial celebrations that I don't even participate in! <3
PICTURES SOOOON BUT NOW NOW CAUSE I'M SOOOOO LAZY AND TIRED RIGHT NOW.
TOODLES! :D

2009-09-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

spent some time sticking up polaroids on my bedroom wall. i need blue-tack, a new layout and i have a tray liner from burger king stuck to the front of my door reading 'RENEE!'

I absolutely love polaroids. I love how they look so retro. I love how 90% of the polaroids are of my favourite people in the world and how i get to keep and look at them forever and ever and ever.

I'm missing a lot of people now while i'm stuck in this hellish period of studying. I can't wait for Ns to be over, I think i'd sing praises till i lose my voice.
Sciences is really killing me now. And math. Gosh i hate math, give me Lit any day.

2009-08-27T05:17:00.000-07:00

''Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
- Noelle, age 7

--

I don’t think I enjoy happiness to its fullest because I can’t help but wonder how long it will last. I think too much about the future than the present.
Sometimes I feel so far away from my friends, it hurts.
I feel like I'm slowly floating out of this world, where i would enter into the lonely abyss.

But then, you guys; you awesome, lovely people, bring me back to this earth and to sanity.
You guys remind me what it means to have friends.
And then I float, but this time on cloud 9.

2009-08-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

Kim Joon and Gook Ji Yun

I have such mixed feelings when I saw these pictures! Initially, I was kinda bummed and i chose to ignore how cute they looked together. But now, I must admit, albeit with bitterness, that they look sooo gorgeous and cute together!!
And she's so prettyyyy :( How can I compete with that? Sighhh.
They just look too cute together to critisize. BAH 0_0''

Hehw just a quick update before burying myself into my book again. It's a joy, no? Seeing mere 16 year olds drive themselves crazy studying for these exams. It's a wonder i've been able to stay sane. For now, at least. Anyway, i gotta get ready for my study session @ the Airport with Jan :) Ta!

2009-08-02T01:46:00.000-07:00

YES PLEASE.

I also want to be doing my tawg or watching BOF/How i met your Mother or playing my guitar or eating. Not sitting here with fatigue fully behind my eyes compiling information for my health sac. The only good part of this is that my parents don't come into my room at random points in time.. and my freaking awesome iTunes library. not to brag, but I have pretty awesome music :) I <3

its 1.45am now and I'm sleepy.

2009-07-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

Love you Val! :D

RACIAL HARMONY WEEK WAS GREAT! I enjoyed myself, despite all those negative thoughts that told me i wouldn't. It was a fun time of camwhoring, of makeup and of dressing up! We weren't really allowed to wear makeup, but oh wells.

K k i'm tired, and i've only slept for a total time of 10 hours for the past 2 days. I shall take a nap before heading out for piano lessons. ]: Byezybye!

2009-07-16T05:16:00.000-07:00

at least not until you decide to give it away

And then I felt the scrapes
From the slippery subway grate.
Oh how you laughed
At my complete lack of grace.
But I could not recall
A more perfect fall
Cause when I looked up into your eyes
It didn't hurt at all

hello world (: It's the closest thing we have to magic

2009-07-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

Waking up to some good ol' crunchy honeycomb [:

Okay call me crazy but it's nearly 9.45AM and I have not slept. I don't plan on sleeping because trust me, those 10 minute, 1 hour or however long POWER NAPS do not work, and I am living testimony to that fact. I've tried them a couple of times and my supposed 1 hour power nap became 7 hours. Okay.. but I have to say, I love being up in the morning, except now there's this bird that's incessantly chirping by my window and it's getting annoying... it won't stop.. and now, I feel like clawing its head off... No srsly... Okay it has finally stopped. I hope I don't get lazy in 45 minutes' time and go for a good morning jog to refresh my mind before I collapse due to sheer exhaustion later in the afternoon. I'll be religiously going for church next week onwards because it's about time I get in touch with my spiritual self and maintain this scanty relationship I have with God.

All this while that I've been online, I've decided that it's time I re-evaluate myself and actually start having some REAL aims and goals in life, because I really want to see myself in NYC in a year and a half's time. I'm going to start by organising my work (filing 'em notes, arranging 'em books neatly onto the shelves instead of them being sprawled messily all over the floor, and also keep some books intact and START reading them), revise on a regular basis (it's going to be hard but I'm going to try), spend less time on the computer (this is going to be even harder) and finally, pack my freaking room. I think I'm going to start with the closets first. I wished I had done all of this during the June holidays so I don't have to worry about both this and school at the same time.

As strange as it seems, I suddenly feel so empowered - like I can pretty much conquer anything in this world if I put my mind to it - the world is my oyster. Oh and typing out that word just made me realise that I spelt empowered as eNpowered in my Lit essay. Despite having this sudden surge of positivity in me, and as much as I hate to say this again but: I AM SO SCREWED FOR TERMS! I wish I could turn back time, retrace those steps... Imagine if I did study and were to do well for terms, I'd be rewarded in so many ways. Self-satisfaction and a great sense of accomplishment and pride being the first, euphoria coming in second as I treat myself to a whole lot of retail therapy.

Sighhh, but here I am once again, unfulfilled. I'm so pressured to do well for exams that i might just keel over and die.

2009-07-08T08:11:00.001-07:00

My dear love,

Please stop torturing yourself emotionally. You seem to make things worse than they appear.
Your tendency to obsess over everything leaves you drained and distracted. (Not a good time, considering your N's are near.)
I do understand how you feel, and why you feel these complicating emotions. I just wish that... when I hear your cracked voice, and when you pause for a real long while to compose yourself over the phone... I just wish i could be there physically to hug you, or to be there. (Not that you've done it recently, but still...)
Even if it means just sitting on your couch in silence, or if it means you having to vent everything on me.
It kills me, you know? It really does. Please please please try to focus on your studies? For me? I'd go down there and study with you, if that's what it takes.
I don't want you to go into another cycle of self-loathing due to bad results again.
I'm so happy that you've settled in your class! It's awesome to hear you talk about your day.
I love it when you're happy.

Love you more than you'll ever know.
-Rens (Aka, your fiance. P.S, WHEN WILL WE EVER GET MARRIED ALREADY?)

2009-07-02T00:55:00.000-07:00

Yummmmm :) Ok it's 11:09PM now... When school re-opens, someone needs to confiscate my com.

Edit: Bloody hell, I think I've MADE my body accustomed to eating past 12 because it's 12:47AM right now and I'm so freaking hungry!!! ): It's all my fault actually. I've been having supper at Macs and TCC for the past couple of days at what, 1-2AM and am now facing the consequences of my actions. I AMMM SOOOOOOO HUNGRYYYYY ): and as much as I can or rather WANT to order Macs now or grab a chocolate muesli bar, due to certain psychological issues, I CAN'T. I'm so hungryyy I should force myself to sleep but something's keeping me up and my Physics notes have been lying forlornly in front of me for the past 7 hours, untouched; unperturbed! Dude srsly. SOMEONE SHOOT ME BYE. Oh damn supper @ Newton tomorrow ): Okay, BACK TO WORK. FOCUS.FOCUS.FOCUS.

&fyi, I'm so over it already!!
I just want to eat... HAHA.

---

Nope. (Kinda decided to delete that, haha.)

so you gotta take the good with the bad, the happy and the sad.
or will you bring the better future than i had in the past.
cause i don't want to make the same mistakes i did.
i don't wanna fall back on my face again.
i'll admit it, i was scared to answer loves call,
and if it hits, better make it worth the fall.

2009-06-25T03:06:00.000-07:00

We never need to be in wonderland and we never need too much of the opposite either. I don't understand and I'm not going to try understanding anymore because it never stops it never stopped and it'll never until when you decide that you'll do much better off without me in your life and that'll be the time when we really become strangers.

Val's party last night was great with good food and some awesome homemade rum-and-raisin ice cream her mom made and the bunch of us ended up hogging the tv watching DVDs till 10. Played taboo a bit and left for home club. I like the home club stamp very much it's cute and still on my wrist. Free entry and one free beer before 12 and I didn't spend any money there hehe I like.

2009-06-18T02:31:00.000-07:00

I cried a little when I saw this picture.
Silly, huh?

2009-06-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

SWOOOOOOOOOON-

Hehe. If you guys don't know, he's Kim Joon, from Boys Over Flowers. And and and, he's my favourite character!!

Yeah, surprising, right? The other dudes in the show are so much cuter/hotter, why him?
There's... just something about Kim Joon's character, Woo Bin, that attracts me.
He isn't the cutest, (BUT HE IS STILL, CUTE.) and he doesn't seem to play a big role in the show...but it's just how he's always there for his friends when they need him.

Like a guardian angel. He's always looking out for his friends.
He's saved Jan Di and Yi Jung...and what would they be without him?!
I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW. -squeals-

HEHE. Okay, swooning aside, I have really got to get my ass off this comouter chair and start mugging! Sooo many hours have been wasted staring at this screen. I really really REALLY must be off. Even though it's already, er, 12 am. Hmm. Maybe I'll study tomorrow. Lol ok bye!

2009-06-11T19:56:00.001-07:00

Miss you guys, Manda and S ):

-----

Right under my feet there's air made of bricks
Pulls me down turns me weak for you
I find myself repeating like a broken tune
And I'm forever excusing your intentions
And I give in to my pretendings
Which forgive you each time
Without me knowing
They melt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love

Each and every time I turn around to leave
I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed
So desperately I try to link it with my head
But instead I fall back to my knees
As you tear your way right through me
I forgive you once again
Without me knowing
You've burnt my heart to stone

Why do you steal my hand
Whenever I'm standing my own ground
You build me up, then leave me dead

--------

Anyway, I'm really quite pissed off with myself (lately especially) so much so I'm going to be super pro-active and immerse myself in every single interesting activity I manage to find.
I am going to channel all this "positive" energy into doing something productive and something that will take my mind off certain things.
I don't know why I let it get to me so much. It's like this insecurity is crawling back under my skin and is haunting me all over again. Actually, come to think of it, it has got nothing much to do with insecurity but mainly paranoia.

I think too much into things sometimes and I know it gets frustrating. I worry too much and let things get to me way too easily that sometimes I lose track of my thoughts and I spend the day sulking and wallowing in self-pity.
It's pathetic and the feeling's quite indescribable. I hate being under scrutiny and I hate it when people judge.

I don't need this. I don't deserve this. I want to be void of these insignificant things that seem to perpetually ride on my back. It's draining.
Which is why tomorrow I'm going to run another 2.4km and hopefully not die during Tuesday's training.
I swear I'm at my weakest point right now, physically. As for cross-country on Wednesday... What can I say? I'm just gonna take a light stroll.
TRUST ME. I'm hardly like this.
Only recently. Why? Whatever for? I don't deserve this.

I'M NOT GONNA CAREEEE ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEE~

I really just want you to get to know me.
On a personal level.
So you will know that it's not that easy.

OH CRAP THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE A HAPPY POST!! ): Okay I think I'll be gone for a week, good bye!

2009-06-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

I love my cow. It's name is MOO! (Creative, I know. Given to me by Jan <3 )

Hey, all. It's been a while, yes?
I keep composing bitch rants in my head the past few days. Meant to post them here but whenever I reach home, I never do.
Always occupied or restless.
The thing I don't like about my mental compositions is that they always sound so nice in my head but I can never replicate them.
If I don't record it down then and there, it'll forever be gone. They only happen once.

Now I understand why Mrs B frowns when we ask her to repeat what she said (so that we can annotate our texts). :P Haha I realise that I am exactly that sort of person too!
And perhaps everyone else is as well. ;)

ANYWAY. My point wasn't that. Lol
My point was the content of my bitch rants.

The interns.

Same old, same old:
Frustrating.
Thoughts of giving up.
Knowledge of why I shouldn't.
At a loss of what to do.
Upset. Very fucking upset.
Angry.
Patience that is stretched skin-thin.
Tolerance.
Deliberate ignorance, a.k.a denial.
Questions -- put on repeat.
Unhappiness.
Overwhelming urge to just run away from all this.
Blah blah blah...

I was seriously at the point of giving up.
Just yesterday I told myself
that I resolve to give up being nice and kind towards them.
And today I did do one thing that was kinda out of anger -- moving my things away to another table.
(3 of us share one table. But I've moved to join another RT.)
The whole time I was thinking to myself,
"Fine. If this is how yall want it. I'll just 成全你们 and get out of the way. The two of you can spend as much time as you want together now and be BFFs for all I care. I'm not gonna be the 'lamp post' anymore. I get your message more than loudly and clearly; I'm fucking off right now. I know I have stayed way beyond my welcome (though I didn't even need their welcome, tsk). If being nice doesn't work, then forget it. I'm retreating."
It actually made me feel slightly better, though I know the attitude was wrong.
And I intend to keep it that way. To sit somewhere else.
The other teachers probably just thought that we ran out of space. Hah.

Noone will fucking believe me if I said they hate me.
Nobody.
Not that I've tried, but I just know.
(Ok well I did try to tell one person, but she just totally waved it off.)
They'll just tell me I'm being paranoid etc. (Like she^ did.)
But I am certain I'm not.
It has been like this for so long; I know for sure they have some qualms over me.
I just don't know what.
But I'm not gonna care.

I really miss Jan, Kriss and B. Talking on the phone isn't enough. I need you guys/

2009-03-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

Some kind of wonderful

Waited 10zillion years for this page to load. Haha I was just staring out my window and watching all the school going children walking home. I miss school. I've been sitting around wondering what to do with all the free time that i have. But lazing around all day ain't too bad either ;) Except I feel like a slob and very very lazy to do anything.

Haven't been blogging awhile cos i lost my mojo. haha kidding. I don't know what to blog about anymore and the page takes so super long to load. But I really like reading/stalking blogs/people. Hahaha

The past couple of days I've been thinking alot about death. Think I've been watching too much discovery home and health. If I died right now, I think I'd be contented. My time on earth may have been short, but it'd be a good 15/16years. I've lived, loved, hoped, failed, triumphed, embraced, let go... I am really blessed. Haha ok now it really sounds like I'm dying. But we'll see. Everything in His time

Yay! Mommy dearest is dapaoing teh tarik for me! xD xD

Oh yes KRISSY why do you have a hater that's on JAN'S blog?! HAHAHAHHA x 68495699778

2009-01-09T23:26:00.000-08:00

for every beat of my heart

It's funny how much you long for something, and when it's just peeking around the corner, suddenly you want it to turn the other way.

or just delay its arrival.

I missed Jan and Kriss so much.. I really did. It was sometimes a dull ache that never ceased to be there. But at least they're back, and I'm sooo glad {:

Anyways. I'm sitting in my room now contemplating how these past weeks have been so significant. It's quite strange to be stuck in two different worlds and watching them collide. There have been times that I feel like I'm outside looking in at myself and my interactions with people around me. It always amazes me; this capacity of humans to adapt.

JANICE IS BACK. [: I can finally see all of my best girls. Stupid Kriss and Jan! They just HAD to make me miss them so much haha.

Okay. It's off to read about Thursday Next and her exploits now.

2008-12-20T00:10:00.000-08:00

all the streetlights, glowing

happened to be just like moments, passing

in front of me, so i hoped in the cab and

i paid my fair, see i know my destination

but i just ain't there yet.

First of all, I MUST list the few observations/conclusions made this week:

1) Janice Ng Mei San is indeed a girl HAHAH. Do not be deceived by her outward appearance, for when a gorgeous guy appears (Especially in a movie....) she acts like a little girl going shopping for the first time.

2) I am no longer obsessing over my past mistakes, and i think i'm finally at peace with myself. (=

3) I'm REALLY looking forward to Christmasss

4) But still super bummed that Jan and Bird aren't going to be in Singapore for Christmas. I know it wouldn't be the same without ALL of your loved ones with you. )=

5) I loved Twilight and i'm glad I got to watch and squeal and swoon over hot guys with my fav girls.

6) My brother acts like a demon child about 67% of the time.

8) I've offically morphed into a slug. I can join the slug club with Jan and Sam. =D

K done! ^_^
This wk's been funnnnn. I was with all my favourite galzxz like, 95% of the time? Which was great! We would have movie marathons, chill out at someone's house and fool around till 3am+.
I rlly craved to spend time with them, and i'm super glad to have done so!
Also hung out with Alex and Agnes, 2 of my fav twinsies ever!
They're so adorable luh! They always dress slightly similar to each other, yet their outfits are unique in their own way.
Had dinner with them 2 nights ago and i laughed so much i nearly choked on my sushi.

Sooooooooo today's was cool too. Went to Ikea with my fav girls, with Jan pushing me in a huge trolley thing. I swear that thing is exhilerating! Esp when Jan gets super moronic and pushes super hard. When Sam tried to push me she kept knocking over stuff! Omggggggg luh Sam is such a spazzzzzzzzzzz.
I'm gna watch Twilight for the 2nd time tonightxz! Hehe. It will be with my usual girls (I am practically forced Bird to watch again hehe)

Hahahaha k i'm talking to Sam online now and have i mentioned that she's a huge SPAZ?

2008-12-02T08:16:00.000-08:00

Endings almost always come with new beginnings- it's like an unspoken thing. Whether or not you like it, there will always be something new to excite/deal with/be enthralled or consumed with. A mere part of the puzzle of life; a lone piece which will eventually fit snugly with another, before you know it. Not all are useful- in fact, some can serve to be rather detrimental; a temporary distraction/relief/high which will eventually mean nothing in the larger scheme of things. Pick your battles, they say. And pick wisely, for not all are meant to be fought. Some are meant plainly to be surrendered to God.

In the past week or so, there were decisions that had to be made. Nothing earth-shattering, but important, nevertheless. I'm glad to say that i've made them, and have come out feeling like a tonne of weight has been lifted off my shoulders; there is a strange sense of peace and relief, and a great burden has been lifted. Ahead of me lies cleanly cut grass; a fresh start, a new friendship, a sense of purpose, and at the centre of it all, God.

I just want to be me for a while, so i'm letting go.

Today, and actually for the past week, I've been doing alot of thinking. I've decided to let go of some things that I think are not necessarily beneficial in my recovery. Some friends. Some Habits. I know it'll be tough. But i was just thinking. Whats the point on keeping in contact or staying with friends whom you Know Just make you feel worse about yourself. Arent friends suppose to be the ones to help you? So yes, in the past couple of days (Hours really), I've decided to let go. It'll be hard, having to see you almost everyday, But with constant reminders, I know i can :)

There' s so much i want to type. But Bird, Jan, Kelly, Kriss and Sam, You guys have no idea how much you mean to me. You mean the world to Me. and People like you are what make the Journey worthwhile. I love you guys. =)

2008-11-19T15:32:00.000-08:00

AHHHH!!
OH MY GOD I HAVE JUST FOUND THE PRETTIEST THINGS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

They're products from Paul Smith! so i went to the site: (paul smith, under wallets)
and then went around looking at more of the stuff there.
and omg. i want more stuff now!

but the thing is, they cost ALOT of $$, im sure.
so having them in my arms is not gonna happen, unless someone who's willing to pay that much buys 'em for me, which i doubt so. at times like this, how i wish i was born or related to someone rich...
but oh well, money cant buy eveything right?
i'm thankful im born in my family - they are theeeee bestest family in the world! (:
though i really would love those pretty things )=
3 more things to be added to my wishlist! (=
ahhhh!!! omgomgomg!
they have Paul Smith in S'pore!!!!!!! (=
i'll go there one day, during these hols:D

AND I THINK THE PRETTIEST OF THEM ALL IS...
THE PURSE.

LOOK AT THE DESIGNS!! Sooooooo pretty omgee i feel like a little girl! (=
The umbrella and shoes are also sooo pretty, i want them all! <3

LOL hokay I must be boring readers. I must now save a ton of $$ to buy these!

2008-11-13T19:26:00.002-08:00

What do you call it

My dog coughs like a human and eats grass.

I also love the sight of dried brown leaves that trail the exhaust of a car and swooshes into a formation (=

Everything is so transcient and words are thrown around too lightly.

I think I'm especially irritating towards some people and the things some people do affect me more than others. and i don't know why...
I'm also especially irked by some people and the things they do.
Is it cos I expect more out of some and am biased towards/against others?

Hehe what a random entry.
Bye!

2008-11-03T14:46:00.000-08:00

there were some things i wanted to tell you
bout what happened in my day
but you had your own worries and didn't listen
so i kept quiet till the wanting went away

i think one of the hardest things in the world is sacrifice.
i guess it's easier to focus on what we're feeling and what's wrong with our own lives compared to putting others before ourselves. priorities are scary things, especially when the less important things clamour to be heard and blur your perspectives. i remember the day sitting with eth on the grandstand watching the track during P.E and quietly remarking "i think sometimes we forget that every one has feelings too." i'm grateful for my years as a youth volunteer at church; if there's anything i would like to think i have taken away it's some patience, some selflessness, some gratitude and some go-the-extra-mile-ness.

whatever it is, regardless of how each day turns out, at the end of every day, i thank God that he's a part of me, and i thank God that I have the most loving family and friends who are there to have my back no matter what (:

2008-10-28T14:29:00.000-07:00

Jason Mraz <33333333 style="font-size:130%;">MARRY ME!! :) LOL.

I headed out to Heeren today with my friends from Church. I'm glad I went last wk, it was nice catching up with them after eons. I know I know, I shld go to church more often. :(
I watched a few episodes of 90210 and Gossip Girl just now. It seems these are the hit shows, all the teens are watching it!
Well I actually prefer 90210 to GG, although GG has more hot people. (BLAKE LIVELY IS LIKE OMG.)
I find 90210 a bit more entertaining haha. But these shows are super materialistic can! Like both shows are about the lives of RICH PEOPLE.
What is it about loaded teens that makes pple wanna watch? Lol. Aiya, I prbly won't watch them already. I prefer shows like HOUSE!!! Hehe. Can learn a bit about medicine and sicknesses and shit.

And sry in advance to Evon, my loveliest fellow tracker for posting this :

[e]v[o]n says:
I think ___ is cute leh.
[e]v[o]n says:
Do you know she has dimples! So cute!
Soundtrack of my summer says:
Really ah.
Soundtrack of my summer says:
Will you ask her uot?
Soundtrack of my summer says:
Haha sry I meant out
[e]v[o]n says:
NO La, noooo.
[e]v[o]n says:
I might marry her tho. See how first.
Soundtrack of my summer says:
WHAT!

hahahaha.

2008-10-22T02:21:00.000-07:00

Picture taken last year.
At times like these, my brother seems like such an angel.

School's ending soon, and i'm relieved like fuck. I just feel like an entire boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course, I would miss my classmates and my fellow moronic trackers, but...I won't deny that I'm incredibly happy that school's ending.
I'm able to have time for all my loved ones that I've been neglecting. All those beautiful people whom i haven't seen in ages.
I also get to kick back, relax, and watch TV the whole day without feeling guilty about it. (At least, only for about a month. Then it's back to studying to prepare for Sec 4 )= )

that reminds me, I MISS MY FAVOURITE GIRLS IN THE ENTIRE WORLDD!!
WHEN CAN WE GO OUT )=
-whineeee-
I seriously miss you guys! You boobs, hurry clear your schedule!

2008-10-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

HELLO I JUST WANT TO ANNOUNCE THAT BIRD IS A SICK FUCK! HAHAHHA B YOU ARE SUCH A DOUCHE!!!

2008-10-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

In 10th Oct's newspaper someone said -

"If people can't even clear their own plates after eating, how can we trust them to defend the nation?"

I'm sorry when I read this I was like HUH? Firstly, I don't think there's a connection between the two, AT. ALL. Doesn't mean someone is too lazy or just doesn't see the point in cleaning up after themselves means that they do not love Singapore or that they can't be trusted with defending the nation.

I'm sorry, I just think that that line is ridiculous. And since when has Singaporeans been obligated to clear their own plates. I mean I do, actually I'm not sure if I do it outside, it's not something I'm even aware of, but I know I do it in school. But I just don't know, SINCE WHEN has the pressure been on us to clear our plates. It's such a small thing, really. I really think there's no big deal. Like someone mentioned before, the cleaning people are there, it is their job.

So what are they supposed to do if this wonderfully ____ campaign turns out wonderfully well. Honestly, now that I have much more knowledge (USEFUL KNOWLEDGE! cause now I'm an arts student *dances around*) I seriously think that perhaps Singapore is what sociology would call "a society of saints" -_- It's like, these are really minor MINOR things, and suddenly it has become as if it's a CRIME, ok not really, but I think so much focus or discussion on this is unnecessary.

AND drawing up a connection between clearing plates & defending the nation is just INAPT (HAHA) and i'm sorry, ridiculous.

SO ANYWAY, back to less annoying things!
Jan may or may not come over to my house for dinner.
She has misplaced her wallet AND her KEYS somewhere in her ~~rubbish~~ room and she can't leave without them.
And she's swearing and cussing like _____now. HAHA.
JANICE NG, YOU ARE SUCH A DOUCHE!!

2008-10-09T03:43:00.000-07:00

EXAMS ARE O-V-E-R!!
-inserts ear piercing squeal-

I AM FREE!
I am so amazingly happy, I feel like an entire elephant has been lifted off my shoulders!
Everyone's been so quiet lately, especially my FAV GIRLIES!
WHERE ARE YOU GUYSSSSS!
C'MON, we must CELEBRATE!
Vodka and martini shots, baby! <333333

Krissy, Sam and Janiceee!!
Why aren't you guys answering my messages? )=
have you all gone into hiding under some random rock?
Or maybe in Jan's case, a shoe?

IMMA HAPPY KID! :B

2008-10-03T05:37:00.000-07:00

FUCK THIS.
Smth's bothering me A LOT, I just don't know exactly what that is.
I need time to think.
And this is SERIOUSLY NOT THE BEST TIME, with my retarded exams and all.

Going MIA with Jan and Kriss for the weekend.
I NEED TIME. Time to think, time to calm down, time to reflect, time with my friends.
Don't bother trying to contact me, you won't get a response till Monday.
BYE.

2008-10-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness,
the video on Jan's blog is SUPER DUPER SAD!
UGHHHHHHH I CRY whenever I watch it!
The more I think about it, the more depressing it gets! =(
SRSLY LEH.
I feel more sad just thinking about it now.

Read an interview with the animator and he said the message sent was supposed to be positive,
but how can viewers focus on that?!
Esp after the soft thud at the end!!!! =(
Wa lao, k i don't wanna think about it anymore. =(

Ytd was Hari Raya. HAPPY HR EVERYONE!
I had plenty of fun hanging out with my fav girls, but we couldn't really hang out for long.
All of us had other plans to attend to. :[
K, I'll blog more when I have time.
UNLIKE JANICE NG, I STILL HAVE TO STUDY! >:[

Ciao!

2008-09-26T05:08:00.000-07:00

darlin' it takes two to tango
and two hands to clap
you led me here and i followed free
into your tempting trap
and once here, i'm unsure
what you're thinking in your head
and what i'm thinking is that maybe
i should have just stay put instead.

When utter despair turns to delusional smiles
and you can't tell where one ends for the other to begin
you wonder if biting the edge of your hurt so hard till it bleeds
is really stopping the pain or driving it deeper in.

...............

emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo.
UGHHHH.

A huge dollop of thanks to Jan, Bird, Sam, Kelly and Kriss for all your encouragement.
I really needed them, like I how I need you guys.
Love you all so much. <3>

2008-09-20T05:08:00.000-07:00

THIS IS JUST PLAIN HORRIBLE AND SAD:

This 8th grade kid, (15 years old, I think) was SHOT TO DEATH by a fellow student because he was gay.
Laurence King (above) had been openly gay, and he had been constantly teased at school about it.
When he asked a fucker named Brandon to be his valentine, Brandon shot him.
He died a few days later at a hospitals.

This homophobia must stop.

Try not to think of the funny names and listen to the poem.
The shooting happened on 12 February, 2008.
I watched the episode of Ellen Degeneres where she talks about this, and she was choking up.
She spoke out to all the publicly HOMOPHOBIC people out there, and asked them to change their ways, but I doubt that terrible people like Brandon will ever cease to exist.

"If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon."
- George Aiken

2008-09-14T05:53:00.000-07:00

My bro is now super sweet to me.
I suppose this is his way of saying sorry, though I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

Sigh work overload. I don't feel like sleeping despite an early morning tomorrow. I have no time for a photo entry! And I had a great time with my diabolical dynamic double duo.

School tomorrow again sianjipua. Need to get Mr Macbook repaired.

I hate cold wars to the maximum.

Don't disappear.

2008-09-07T16:59:00.000-07:00

I am super sick of my brother ok.
He's sometimes the most annoying, most IRRITATING, most FUCKED-UP person in the whole world.
And then I think of the times he's really sweet to me, and I forget all of his fuck-ups.
But then he returns to being a brat again!

A few hours ago, I was actually watching videos on Youtube, and he came in.
I asked him what he wanted, but he just walked over to my laptop.
I didn't even scold him for entering my room without my permission, by the way.

Then he suddenly pokes my laptop, saying "What that's arh? What you watching?"
I told him not to touch the screen, and I said it super normally!
It's not like I raised my voice at him or anything.

But he obviously took offence and starting jabbing the screen DAMN BLOODY FUCKING HARD.

I shouted: "What the hell is wrong with you?!" I hit his arms away.
Then he shouted back: "What la! Siao!"
Of course by this time, I was VERY pissed off, so I yelled for him to get the fuck out of my room.

As he left, he VERY VERY PURPOSELY knocked over my CDs that were on my table.
You know why I know that it was on purpose?
Because you don't slide your arm over the table when you leave, AND because he didn't even look back as my CDs shattered to the ground.

I am generally a loud person, and so when I shouted, my mom claimed she was able to hear me from outside the house:

"WHAT THE FUCKKKKK! YOU FUCKING BRAT!"

Then my mom hurried to my room, where I was picking up my CDs.
She demanded to know what had happened, and so I told her.
She then went to my brother's room to confront him.

Later, she told me that he was crying!
Like what the fuck la! He crashed my CDs to the ground and one of them is cracked, yet he can still cry? Give me a break.
Then my mom told me that it was because I shouted really loud.
Whatever man.
He's soooo bloody unbelievably irritating.

My mom told me that he was very sorry about the CDs.
And so I told her, rather harshly, that HE must apologise to ME, and not make my mother do it.
And after an hour or so, he still hasn't.

At times, he really is SUCH A FUCKTARD.

2008-08-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

I CAN'T WAIT!!

For what?
WELLLLL, I'm going out with the Girlies again tmr!!
Yayyyy everyone is freee and i'm super uber happy! :}

Jan and Kelly will be coming over to my place, then we'll meet Bird and Sam at the mrt station.
We shall then go to town together! ^^
Hahaha, i don't even know why i'm boring you with all these details!

Gosh, I've reallyreally missed them!
It sucks when not all of them are in the same school as me )=
If it weren't for sammy, i'd be so miserable!
Haha.

Eh, fuck la.
my brother can be SOOOOOOO fucking irritating.
For a 13 year old, you would think he'd obtained a little maturity, but hell no.
He borrowed my wheely chair yesterday, and when i just asked for it back, he literally threw it in my room!
Now one of the wheels is spoiled.
Stupid shithead.

But, that hasn't TOTALLY ruined my mood for tomorrow.
I'm still uber excited!
Ciao, for now! ^^

2008-08-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

I'M SOOOOO DRAINED!

Studies have been a kilerzxz, and i can feel the stress accumulating in me!
My stupid Literature teacher is such an ass!
She knows we have exams, yet she forces us to do a silly project!
It's not even counted in our overall results!

Anyway, training was kinda fun.
I missed it a whole lot, especially my fellow trackers!
Carine, Evon, Xing hui and Millie - these are the people that make me go high during training.
Soo, did the usual 1.6 km run, with a couple of sprints and such.
Evon kept on making me laugh, thus making me run like some constipated chicken! =0

ANYWHOO, I'm gna take a long deserved nap right now (=
I'm going to mug mug mug with Kelly, Jan and maybe Bird tomorrow!
Byeeeeeeeee!

2008-08-18T00:11:00.000-07:00

SCHOOL WAS DA BOMBXZ! xP

Haha. Sherrie, Elly and Pris srsly made my day!
They made me crack up at random, and doing silly things that made me wanna deny them as peoplee I know! haha!
But I probably wouldn't be able to go through school w/o them! xP

Love you guys to the max! And Elly, stop hitting oh Physics teacher! :O

Oh, and KELLLYYYY,
YOU ARE FINALLY 15!
HEHE.
I LOVE YOU MACHOOOS!

2008-08-15T06:53:00.000-07:00

Under false pretenses.

This toy has no mouth and it's 13124398x cuter than hello kitty.

So let's seeeee red cliff is plain boring my braces are purple now someone (BIRD ARGHH) said I speak like I've a hamburger in my mouth THANKS and someone else (SAMMY OMG KILL YOU.) said my face is rounder. Like brother like sister omg but it's okay I like metal haha

It's a Thrusday night and instead of enjoying tv dramas over supper I'm on my com attempting to write my script for presentation on wed and I should go get ready for project meeting later and then study for my test(s) on mon and tues and I swear I can't wait for this weeek to end.

I'm so bored and my freaking 35bucks pedicure looks like shit noww!!! hahaha okay shut up Renee. bye

OH YEAH, I REALLY REALLY REALLY MISSS:

JANICE, MY FIANCE!
BIRD, MY HUBS! (yes, i have a fiance AND a husband. SCANDALOUS!)
KELLY, the preeeeeeeeety gerrrr!
KRIS, the GROUP SLUT who is soooo INCREDIBLY LOVABLE.
SAMMIEEEEEHHHH!

): i rlly wanna see you guys!
miss you so much.
life's a drag w/o you all ):

2008-02-05T07:23:00.000-08:00

HELLO WORLD WIDE WEB.

Do forgive me for my lack of blogging.
I have been busy with many many things.

I took a walk with Jan yesterday.
I got so hurt after she had told me what had happened.
I could feel her pain.

Things have been stressful for the both of us recently.
Dealing with the stress of work and of the life of an adolescent.
School just piles on pressure after pressure.
I feel so claustrophobic. D:
How does one deal with all of this.

I just wish for 1 thing, really.

To be the old Renee, the one who didn't care about worries.
The one who was so carefree.
The one who could cope with anything, and help her friends with whatever.
The Renee who would laugh at everything,
even through difficult times.
The old Renee who always cheered her friends up,
who taught them to look at the positive things of life.
The Renee who was a crutch to friends in need.

The one who didn't have so many FUCKING emotional problems,
which she burdens her friends with.

And lastly, to be the Renee
who loved life and everything in it.

2006-04-14T07:21:00.000-07:00

I DID SOMETHING BAD ):

2005-09-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

oh hey everyone!
yep...finally created my blog :)
dont think i would insert tagboards or
get skins or watever....
too lazy! hehehe...
anyway...im experiencing a real bad hangover
drank too much chocolate vodka last night.
i wasn't suposed to drink till after exams...
but jan kept on tempting me...
so i gave in.
arrrghhhh....bad headache bad headache....
:(((
*rens 21 [505794]``